Every year, people make new year’s resolutions: I want to lose weight, I want to eat right, I want to write my novel, etc. Most years, I don’t have a new year’s resolution. Every day is a day to make a resolution. A day to start a transformation to take you from the person you are to the person you want to be. I will admit though. I have a new year’s resolution this year. Yes, I know it is not January 1st. Yes, I know it is technically too late to start a new year’s resolution. But, I started this resolution long before I admitted it to myself. My new year’s resolution is to see myself the way LD sees me, to love myself the way LD loves me.
Sometimes, I catch LD looking at me in a way that I cannot describe except by how I feel. I feel warm. I feel wanted. I feel like I am perfect. I feel calm. But, most importantly, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed about how I don’t live up to that vision he sees. I feel ashamed that my hair is a mess. I feel ashamed that I can’t see what he sees. I am not going to be ashamed anymore. I don’t need to change who I am to accomplish this. I need to change my perceptions to accomplish this.
I have always been big into analyzing. I analyze how best to keep my skin clear. I analyze how I handled a certain interaction over and over and over again. I analyze what people think of me. I analyze how my clothes look. I analyze how my voice sounds, how I talk, what I say. Getting sick of it yet? Welcome to life in my brain. Everything is analyzed and over analyzed until the minuscule becomes important and the big becomes gargantuan. I am not willing to let analyzing how I reacted to something go until someone else has validated my reaction. Trust me, it’s bad.
This year, I have been big into TED talks. I watch them while I eat lunch by myself or when I have some time I need to fill. I already talked about Shawn Achor’s talk on happiness, but that is definitely not the only one I have watched, nor probably the only one I will talk about. I am seriously turning into a TED talk junky (shhh, don’t tell LD), and it probably isn’t helping with my analyzing my world, but it is helping me gain a new perspective. What that perspective is, is currently neither here nor there. I can’t describe to you what it is because it is still hazy and nowhere near fully formed.
What else is giving me new perspective? Tasha. Our little dog is my mirror. She shows me when I am getting anxious, frustrated, or worried. She shows me when I am tense. She encourages me when I am being lazy and she calms me down when I am getting over-excited. It is much easier to put things in black and white when someone is showing you. She doesn’t need to use words, the energy is enough. Without words, I can’t analyze. There just isn’t the vocabulary. This is a good thing. I will admit I am not fully comfortable with it yet.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t see when LD sees in me now. I will see it. I don’t need to change who I am to be the person I want to be. I need to be ok with my flaws and see the beauty in them. It might be a never ending journey, but I will see glimpses here and there. That should be enough.